autism · journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · slimming world · Uncategorized

Slimming World: Week 2 & Meals

Week 2 is over and I’m officially 3lbs down. I was hoping for a 4lb loss so that I could get my half a stone award but I’m determined to get that next week!

I learned a few new recipes this week and tried some new foods, and although I ate all 3 meals out yesterday I still made healthy choices and managed to lose.

Just like last week, heres my meals for each day!

Heres to a hopefully lighter 3rd week.

How is everyone doing?

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journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · slimming world · Uncategorized · weight loss

Weight loss journey…

Where do I even start with food. Even before I developed an eating disorder, food was a battle. Back then it was all about having too much too eat, too big of portion sizes and not moving enough. Something changed back when I was 15 – something that literally happened overnight. I remember it was summer and I was eating ice cream on the patio whilst sunbathing. This was the last day I enjoyed eating freely before an eating disorder kicked in. The next day, I began counting calories. I still ate pizza, ice cream and chocolate and didn’t restrict much; I just kept track. Then, each week the calories began to reduce. I began exercising. Eventually, I got to the stage where a full blown eating disorder had taken over my life. We all know the symptoms.

Anywhoo, into the main reasons for this blog post. I went into recovery for my eating disorder on the 1st of September 2014. The first few months were horrendous; not being able to exercise and having people force food down you because looking at it brought you to tears. I wouldn’t even drink water. Eventually, I ate a meal and my body went into craving mode. I ate everything and anything; even stuff I hated. People assumed my eating habits had returned to normal and have been to this day…but they haven’t. I admit it. I’ve relapsed; heck I’ve relapsed. I’ve relapsed more times than stabilised in recovery. I’ve purposely restricted food. I’ve purged. I’ve screamed. I’ve cried. I’ve rejoiced at the sound of my own hunger. I’ve craved dizziness and feeling weak as its eating disorder progress. I’ve also binged and ate whatever the heck I’ve wanted. I’ve eaten takeaways and eaten out at restaurants. I’ve had days where eating 3 meals a day was easy.

My weight has fluctuated ever since my eating disorder. It goes up and down constantly because recovery has prevented me fully relapsing. I’m tired. I’m tired of watching the scales go down and I’m tired of watching it go straight back up. I don’t want the scales to determine my happiness anymore…

So I have joined slimming world. No more counting calories. No more severe restriction. It’s time to tackle 3 healthy meals a day and eating syns without feeling completely guilty. I’ve put my body through enough shit these past 4 years and I’m ready to make healthy changes…

A lot of people don’t realise that eating disorders stay in the mind way longer than the weight is restored…Healthy or overweight does not indicate healthy minds. Please, please remember this. I was a healthy weight when Ana plagued my mind. Eating disorders do not emerge in those who are already severely underweight…they emerge at anytime.

Look around you and notice those who may be struggling. Do not let them slip off the radar.

Here’s two god awful recent pictures of me…2 years weight restored and not at a healthy weight. I hate full length photos of myself so this is the first step to acceptable and realisation that change needs to be made.

Whose ready for this journey.

autism · journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

To the Person Who May Have an Eating Disorder

Hello. You might know me, or you might not. Either way, I want to talk to you about eating disorders. You may have one, you may not have one, you may know somebody who does…

I want to let you know about a time in my life where my eating disorder was at it’s worse. It was May 2014. I had just turned 17 years old. I was fainting all the time, had many bruises and injuries, and was irritable with almost everyone. My fingernails and nose were blue from lack of oxygen. My potassium, sugar levels and electrolytes were extremely low. My hair was brittle and fell out. My skin was pale and weak. My stomach was distended from lack of food and I was dehydrated. My mental health was lower than low. I sat alone at college because I was too caught up in my own little world to socialise with anyone. I spent all day nearly fainting or sleeping because I simply had no energy. I refused to eat anything for weeks at a time because the fear of food was too intense. I lost 7lb that week in  may 2014, and weighed 4 stone lighter than I do now…

It was then that I started to notice that my relationship with food was not normal. I realised that I wasn’t just hungry for food. I was starving before I ever refused a meal. I was starving for perfection. I was starving for a perfect body, for a flat stomach, for a thigh gap, to look beautiful, and to feel happier. I was starving for something that didn’t really exist. I didn’t really believe that I could ever get Anorexia Nervosa, but I did…

It took me a long time to truly understand recovery. Recovery started with many nights of tears, frustration and the pure refusal to eat a thing in the fear of gaining weight. Recovery started with many hours of re-feeding and the horrible symptoms that came with it. Recovery started with fear and anger at all those who forced me to get better. As the months went on and my body shape began to change, the self-hatred grew and the self-confidence decreased. With recovery came hatred. With recovery came depression. With recovery came anxiety. Recovery gave me freedom to eat food that I wanted. Recovery gave me the ability to eat without truly thinking about it. Recovery silenced Ana’s voices – for a while. But recovery brought weight gain…and it brought confusion.

Recovery is often beautiful, however, so don’t let this put you off. Relapse is torture, but one thing I know for certain is that battling with both is hell. Darkness, like light, often leaks in through cracks. Recovery has never been one easy happy path. Recovery has had many more bad days than good. Recovery often leads to relapse, and thats perfectly okay. Relapse is inevitable.

I know that an eating disorder is not easy. It’s not easy when everyone tells you that you are what you eat or what you weigh or that you’re only as good as your calorie count or the number on your social media. It’s not easy when people talk about how they’re having a ‘bad’ food day or that they need to run off the chocolate cake they had. It’s not easy when people go on diets, or cut out food groups like carbs or suddenly develop dietary requirements. It’s not easy when people comment on the weight they’ve lost or tell you they’re on a diet. It’s not easy when the calorie information to food is right there in front of you, or the temptation of throwing everything back up is nagging at your head.  The world revolves around numbers. The truths below are listen in numbers, but they are numbers to be followed. Please listen.

  1. You have a voice – I know your eating disorder seems to be in control and it takes up every single minute of the day. The truth is however is that your eating disorder does not control you at all. You are a person and you have a wonderful voice hiding in that body of yours.
  2. You’re not defined by your eating disorder – I know that eating disorders can become some sort of protection, but your identity and who you are is totally detached from your eating disorder. Your eating disorder is an illness you have, not what has you.
  3. You’re really not crazy, I promise – I know all the voices – especially Ana’s voice – in your head make you feel like you’re crazy and you wish sometimes that they would just stop, but you’re not crazy. I know you’re not. You’re hungry…your body is looking for food, but your mind is hungry for life and purpose.

You may know me, or you might not. Either way, please listen and know you’re never alone.

I love you and I wish you the best.

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journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

Weight Loss, Positivity and Self-Discovery

Positivity is hard in a world full of negativity, deception and destruction. Some people are just naturally positive people who see the positive in everything, take everyday with happiness and plough through every opportunity life throws at you. I think I was that type of person when I was a small child, maybe around the age of 3-5. Life was an adventure, exploring trees and taking the guinea pigs for walks in the grass. Life was flying over rivers on a lose rope, and then turning up at the house covered in water and mud. When I was 8 years old, anxiety introduced itself to me and from there the positivity seemed to drain away. With anxiety comes a type of paranoia – assuming people think negative of you, or that laugh across the lunch room between those 3 girls was because of you, etc. When your a child, the world to you is perfect and safe so at 8 years old to have mental illness thrown at you is such a trying thing. It makes you second think your opinion on the world and the people in it. Not only that, at 8 years old I never even knew mental illness existed so there was no explanation for the way I thought about the world or why I was so anxious 24/7.

Anyway, the point is, as you grow you tend to lose that spark that life gives you. Life sometimes stops becoming an adventure and in regards to mental illness life is just about waking up tomorrow. Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve come to realise things about myself and continue everyday with self-discovery. When you gain information about something, even in regards to yourself, you need to start to piece the jigsaw together so that you can find all the things that help you and work for you and what make you happy. My jigsaw isn’t complete but one day it will be, I’m sure.

On another note, I’m starting the day with a rare bit of positivity – after watching the snow and a 7lb weight loss, I feel a little more encouraged to move, move, move today and I’m going to take a mindful walk.

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