I was on instagram last night when I went onto my instagram profile. I decided to just stroll through my pictures and found some from 2014/2015. For those who know me, you’ll understand that during this time I was in the depths of my eating disorder. At the time, I didn’t really know this. I thought I was okay. I thought I was better than I’d ever been. How wrong I was though. June 2014 consisted of doctors appointments, hospital appointments, blood tests, scans, meetings with college, intervention from community mental health teams and social services. My weight was drastically dropping by each day. The calories kept getting lower and lower.
Whilst going through those pictures last night; I had the realisation that I was actually really sick back then. How I had managed to feel so healthy I have no idea. How did I survive on no calories for a week? How did I manage to exercise every waking hour of the day?
I knew that I was sick, I just don’t think I realised how sick I was. I thought I was getting healthy and stronger, not unhealthy and weaker. I remember getting every single illness going; my immune system was very weak. I was always cold yet I still took freezing showers. My muscles always ached and bruised but I would walk for hours on end.
All I wanted to do was sleep and food plagued every single thought.
Anorexia is such a wretched disease.
It stops its victims even noticing theres something wrong. It refuses to let them see their true self or feel any sort of happiness.
Anorexia is strong, but Savannah is stronger.
Yesterday I had the wonderful opportunity to meet the SacconeJolys. I have been watching them for nearly two years now and began watching their videos during the grip of my eating disorder. Watching the SacconeJolys each day has brought me such happiness and positivity and when I watch them I feel so much better. When you’re struggling with mental health problems, the simple things like laughing mean so much.
One of the reasons why I was so incredibly excited to meet Anna and Jonathan yesterday is because their videos have helped me through the darkest of moments. Anna helps inspire me and is a positive role model. Her character is amazing and she is such a hard working, fun loving mum and wife. Jonathan is the funniest person I’ve ever come across with a wonderful passion as a father and always puts others first.
Not many people know but in 2006 Anna Saccone (Joly) went through a battle with the eating disorder Bulimia. Desperate to control something in her life, she turned to the “perfection” of numbers on a scale, calorie intake, measurements…the list of things which she could control were endless. Like most eating disorders, hers started with a diet. A need for order and perfection in a world which she seemed to be losing control of.
I started watching the vlogs at my lowest weight, when my eating disorder was likely at its worst and my body was shutting down. I was at the point where I wouldn’t eat at all until I was about to faint and I refused to drink water. Watching their vlogs whilst curled up on the sofa made me feel in another world where I was happy and could actually laugh. Slowly I discovered Anna’s personal youtube and began watching her videos on her eating disorder, health and fitness.
I am nowhere near content with the weight that I am now (gaining back in recovery was such a treacherous emotion) and I felt slightly embarrassed meeting my role models when I am ‘no longer thin’. It left some emotions that I needed to deal with but I felt so entirely blessed to have met such a strong woman (and Jonathan too) in person!
I am so thankful that the SacconeJoly vlogs brought some life into my weak body and taught me how to live again.
Thank you Anna for being so amazingly strong, and being raw and honest in your struggles.
Willow and I were lucky enough to be in tonight’s vlog also which is truly amazing!