journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

The REAL reality of Anxiety

I think a lot of people underestimate the true effects of anxiety on a person’s life. Having an anxiety disorder is not worrying about going to the dentist or worrying about passing your upcoming exam. Having an anxiety disorder can become pathological and maladaptive. They can cause distress that interferes with your ability to lead a normal life. Anxiety can be a serious mental illness. Suffering with an anxiety disorder means having a constant and overwhelming worry and fear which can be crippling.

Anxiety has prevented me from doing so much. It has stolen my childhood. It is so difficult to do normal everyday things when the anxiety inside you is so loud you can’t ignore it. It’s so devastating, but people underestimate it. If you tell someone you suffer with an anxiety disorder they just say, “oh, so you’re feeling anxious? why don’t you just stop worrying?”. How can I just stop worrying? My fears are irrational, they are constant. They do not stop. Not ever. I am not just anxious. I am not just feeling anxious. I am mentally ill. I am suffering with a severe mental illness that prevents me from living every single day.

I can always tell when my anxiety is worse some weeks than others. Over the past couple of weeks my anxiety has been quite high, probably an nearing a 10 out of 10. My anxiety presents me with physical symptoms – inability to make eye contact, inability to remain still, sweating, movement and clapping of the hands, heart palpitations, dizziness, difficulty breathing, cyanosis to the nails and nose and panic attacks. Sometimes it prevents me from sleeping, leaving the house, or interacting.

IMG_20141111_182256

The above picture was taken in November 2014 – a month filled with severe mental illness, suicidal thoughts and behaviours, 4 hour long panic attacks and the inability to remain at college. I took the picture to show the true effects of what anxiety does to you – cyanosis in the finger nails due to lack of oxygen. Having an anxiety disorder is not attention-seeking nor is it over-exaggerated or simply an emotion. An Anxiety disorder causes very REAL physical symptoms.

I wanted to highlight the true effects of having an anxiety disorder in this post because I feel like suffering with anxiety can often be misunderstood and looked over. Anxiety can be a severe and life-threatening mental health illness that can prevent function in daily life and lead to self-harming behaviours and suicide.

Please be disorder aware and be mindful of those suffering with poor mental health

Watch my short film on Anxiety

journey to recovery · mental health · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

Why I hate Anxiety

As I get older, I start to realise exactly why I hate having an anxiety disorder. As I get older, it starts to interfere more and more with daily life. As I get older, I have more responsibilities and things to do. As I get older, I have to be more independent. As I get older, no one wants to help. It’s hard, it’s so hard. I love having independence, but the crippling anxiety refuses to let me. I can’t go anywhere without someone with me. I don’t have the confidence, the interpersonal skills or the ability to go anywhere or do anything without help.

Having to rely on people can be difficult. I don’t feel like an 18 year old. I feel like a small child who needs the guidance and support from tutors and adults that influence. I feel dependent. Without any support, anxiety can make you feel lost. Scared. Confused. Lonely.

There are certain people in life that I attach myself to – these people soothe the mental illnesses and allow me to be who I am. These people are role models, people I look up to, people who accept me and feel the need to help me. I’ve found these people throughout my life – whether they be from college, from school or from interaction.

I hate anxiety. I hate anxiety because it interferes with everything. I hate anxiety because it consumes every thought. I hate anxiety because no one understands the severity. I hate anxiety because it takes away independence. I hate anxiety because it prevents interpersonal and social skills. I hate anxiety because the worrying makes you physically ill. I hate anxiety because it stops you from making eye contact with anyone you ever meet. I hate anxiety because it makes you flinch at personal contact. I hate anxiety because it has me.

I hate anxiety, I really do.

11351226_639917262777155_5328085827390967855_n