journey to recovery · mental health · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

5 struggles of an Anorexic

Having an eating disorder can be such a struggle and there are so many myths associated with the condition. When I was unwell, I came up with 5 struggles that people with eating disorders go through.

  1. Hunger. A lot of people think that people with Anorexia hate food altogether and refuse to eat much. This is not the case. Although we do try to limit our intake of food and absolutely hate consuming it, we do feel hungry. Sometimes, we do get cravings and want to eat chocolate or ice cream or that piece of cake you just offered at the birthday party. Hunger seems to be a constant emotion. The amount of food we take in is usually controlled by ‘Ana’ or the voice in our head, even if we do wish to eat more.
  2. Weight. We don’t always lose weight. Some weeks, we could lose a couple of pound. Some weeks, we could gain some. It can be so difficult. Not all people with Anorexia start off with a low body weight. Some people with Anorexia start off with a normal body weight or may even be overweight. Anorexia is a disorder of the MIND, not body, and so it can be terribly frustrating when people have the belief that all Anorexics are severely underweight.
  3. Emotion. An eating disorder, like any mental illness, can cause serious distress. With Anorexia comes a lot of confusion. It’s being completely safe and comfortable controlling your food intake and exercising excessively but then becoming extremely irritated, upset and guilty when others want you to eat more, or notice you aren’t eating very much, or when others make comments on your weight and appearance. Daily and weekly weigh-ins pay a big role on what our mood will be. If we lose weight, we are more than likely going to feel happy and fall deeper into our eating disordered patterns. If we gain weight, we feel terribly frustrated, guilty and angry which leads us to be irritable with everyone we come into contact with.
  4. Lies. There’s one thing you have to be good at when you have an eating disorder. Lying. You have to be good at lying in order to keep it quiet, in order to stop people finding out what is going on. We have to lie, even if we don’t want to. Did we eat today? Oh yes, of course. How long did you exercise for? Oh, only about half an hour. Are you feeling okay? Oh, yes I’m fine.
  5. Exercise. A lot of people believe that because we exercise excessively and spend endless amounts of time at the gym that we simply love to exercise. It’s not always the case. Exercise makes us feel less guilty and allows us to keep the little amount of calories we consumed inside our stomach. Sometimes, we don’t have any energy to exercise. Going to the gym is sometimes the last thing we want to do. But, we do it anyway, because in our disordered minds, it allows us to feel safe. Exercise is a necessity, one that we must do every single day in order to feel okay about the food we’ve eaten.
My first encounter with Anorexia – in the midst of my illness, May 2014
journey to recovery · mental health · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

Who am I?

Hello smilers!

My name is Savannah Lloyd. I am 18 years old and from a small village in South Wales. I am currently living life in Oxford thanks to being at Oxford Brookes university!

I have set up this blog to share my personal experiences with mental health, to educate others on all types of mental health problems, to be a mental health advocate and campaigner as well as a youtuber, blogger and author (Smiling Through Recovery is available via Amazon)

I was born on May the 31st 1997, one of the hottest days of the year. I grew up in a loving family with lots of pets and loved exploring outdoors. I loved building tree houses, clambering through the woods and streams as well as paying a close attention to the environment around me and the animals that inhabited it.

Unfortunately, when I was 8 years old, I become very aware of the situations and people around me. I become very shy and reserved, never spoke up in class and had few friends. I got on with everyone around me but found it difficult in social interactions. I began to get bullied for being different in my final year of primary school and this continued through comprehensive school.

At 12 years, I made my first suicide attempt after weeks of physical and emotional bullying. I kept these suicidal feelings to myself and didn’t open up about it for years. I began self harming, developed depression and anxiety (unknown to me at the time) and completely went down hill in school. I began getting distracted in lessons and school didn’t feel like a safe place to be. At 13 years old, I started counselling for self-harming but found that the sessions did no help.

During my time at comprehensive school I suffered with several undiagnosed mental health issues and eventually took a turn for the worse at 15 years old (August 2013). I was fed up of getting bullied, struggled to accept myself, had a very low self-esteem and lack of confidence and could barely look at myself in the mirror. I self-harmed on a weekly basis and often had suicidal thoughts.

10 months later in June 2014, I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. I had lost  over 25.4 kg (4 stone) in a 10 month period, had black outs and dizzy spells, bruised easy, had pale skin and could barely stand. I hated eating and barely drank. In November 2014, I was also diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder and Endogenous Depression. It is still unknown (though I have many traits) whether or not I have a diagnosis of Avoidant Personality Disorder.

Since my diagnoses, I have come so far yet so little. I have recovered, I have relapsed, I have struggled, I have lived. Mental Illness is not easy. Recovery is so hard, and relapse is always so tempting. However, my mental health problems have given me a great deal of knowledge, a great deal of empathy and passion to fix stigma associated to mental health. Therefore, I am a mental health campaigner, blogger and author and continue every day to end stigma associated to mental health.

Through this blog, I hope to share both my positive and negative experiences in order to highlight the realism of mental health problems and the impact it has on people’s lives.

Smile through recovery, always.

I love you