Many people use the expression “I’m tired” when they’ve had a lack of sleep or when they feel like they need a nap. When you’ve got mental health problems, sometimes “I’m tired” can also simply mean you’re lacking sleep, but often it means so much more.
When I say I’m tired, I’m usually not just physically tired. I’m emotionally tired. I’m holistically tired. I’m tired even when I’ve spent the entire night sleeping in bed. I’m tired even when I don’t move all day. It’s not just tired eyes and achy muscles. It’s not just a yawn and just one more hour in bed. It’s getting up and getting dressed in a blur. Brushing your teeth and brushing your hair, and then leaving the house. All whilst tired. Emotionally tired. Numb. Drained. Completely out of it. Lost. But you move on with the day anyway, because there seems to be little acceptance of what mental illness can do to your body.
Not many people ask me if I’m OK, but when they do my answer is always the same. “I’m fine, just tired” — and people seem to accept that reply. Tiredness is an accepted feeling — everyone gets it. A long day at work or sitting through a boring lecture. That’s tiredness for many can relate to. But that tiredness isn’t lying in bed all day and still feeling like you could sleep for a thousand years. For me, though, that’s what tiredness is. Tiredness accompanies my depression and my anxiety. It means lying in bed completely exhausted from life without even falling asleep. It means being spaced out and lost in thought most of the day, because it’s tiring trying to keep up with people. It means achy eyes and yawns even after 12 hours of sleep. It means not just feeling physically tired, but feeling oh-so much more.
When someone tells you they’re tired, sometimes you need to look beyond their answer. Are they tired? Are they physically tired and need some sleep? Or do they in fact need you. Do they need somebody to look them in the eyes and tell them they’re not fine but that you’re there for them? Do they need someone to realise they’re not OK and to offer them a hug? Because I know when I say I’m tired, that’s what I need.
I don’t need sleep or a nap. I need people. I need love. I need understanding.
So many emotions…so much pain.
I know how life can turn on you sometimes. How it can make you feel…lonely. Scared. Life can be so cruel sometimes….I can’t handle it. I don’t know what to do. You asked me before it I was coping. I’m not coping. Not at all.
I distanced myself from my friends. I distanced myself from everyone. It doesn’t go away. It happened weeks ago. It might as well be minutes ago. Because it doesn’t go away. I don’t break down in tears anymore. Not much…
You put me through hell..but I survived.
I was supposed to go to work today. It wasn’t even a hard shift – just 4 hours. But I didn’t. I didn’t go. Not because I’m lazy or tired, and not because I just didn’t want to. I couldn’t. I don’t have the strength to turn up to such a positive, bubbly, colourful place or to plaster a smile on my face. I don’t have the strength to engage in social interactions with adults and the children. I don’t have the strength to smile or to laugh.
I don’t have the strength to be okay. Not today.
And I feel absolutely awful about it. I wish I’d gone to work. I wish I’d had the power to get over my weaknesses and be strong. I wish I’d had the strength to shake off the anxiety, the depression, the inability to be ‘normal’. I wish I’d tried…but I didn’t and theres nothing I can do about that but to start afresh.
I did wake up early. I did go to the gym. I did do my essay. I will be going swimming…My day is not unproductive but I couldn’t help but feel a small amount of failure for backing out of a reality that most adults do every single day.
This is just one downfall in a journey and it’ll be fine tomorrow…today will become another day in the forgotten past and things will work out okay in the end…
Sometimes you fail. Sometimes you succeed. That’s life really isn’t it.
On a plus note, heres a funny picture that sums up the aftermath of a meltdown 🙂
I know I’ve been a little absent lately, and it’s not that I don’t want to blog because I absolutely do. The truth is; the things I want to blog about I currently can’t blog about. It’s confusing, I know, but soon I promise you it will make utter sense and I’ll explain everything to you.
I’ve been completely preoccupied with thoughts in my mind lately. My head feels like its swirling all of the time. I can’t think straight, I can’t focus, I just can’t. And I’m coming to accept that that’s perfectly okay. I’m just trying to make sense of myself and my life whilst getting on with university work and trying (failing) to be social. I’m having a couple of relapses, but this too shall pass.
I’ve got some exciting projects soon to be released in terms of my advocacy work so stay tuned for that. I hope you’re all doing good.
I haven’t really been up to much besides from that. I’ve made some sensory bottles (heck, I love glitter), watched a million films and slept loads. I think my body needs it.
Have a blessed week and I promise I’ll catch up with you all soon!
“I don’t care. Everywhere I go, I seem to break things. And the more I try to fix them, the more I make it worse.”
“Because you cant fix other people until you’ve fixed yourself.”
“But I can’t be fixed because i’m crazy.”
“You’re not crazy. Now I want you to tell me what you don’t like about yourself but be honest with me.”
“I’m fat. I’m ugly. And I ruin things.”
“I want you to imagine the ten year old version of yourself sitting right there on this couch. Now this is the little girl who first believed that she was fat and ugly and an embarrassment. I want you to imagine her sitting there right now. What do you want to say to that little girl? If she said to you thats how she felt about herself, what would you tell her?”
“That she’s fine. That she’s perfect.”
“That’s what you need to tell yourself. You need to tell yourself that everything is going to be okay.”
I came across this reading just now and it absolutely broke me to tears. I’m not feeling great and there are so many things swirling around my mind. These words are just perfect. I’m sorry for not trying.
Somehow the bruises changed my plan. And there’s a silent storm inside me, looking for a home. I hope that someone is going to find me and say that I belong. I’ll wait forever and a lifetime, to find I’m not alone. There’s a silent storm inside me, and someday i’ll be calm.