journey to recovery · mental health · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

Why I hate Anxiety

As I get older, I start to realise exactly why I hate having an anxiety disorder. As I get older, it starts to interfere more and more with daily life. As I get older, I have more responsibilities and things to do. As I get older, I have to be more independent. As I get older, no one wants to help. It’s hard, it’s so hard. I love having independence, but the crippling anxiety refuses to let me. I can’t go anywhere without someone with me. I don’t have the confidence, the interpersonal skills or the ability to go anywhere or do anything without help.

Having to rely on people can be difficult. I don’t feel like an 18 year old. I feel like a small child who needs the guidance and support from tutors and adults that influence. I feel dependent. Without any support, anxiety can make you feel lost. Scared. Confused. Lonely.

There are certain people in life that I attach myself to – these people soothe the mental illnesses and allow me to be who I am. These people are role models, people I look up to, people who accept me and feel the need to help me. I’ve found these people throughout my life – whether they be from college, from school or from interaction.

I hate anxiety. I hate anxiety because it interferes with everything. I hate anxiety because it consumes every thought. I hate anxiety because no one understands the severity. I hate anxiety because it takes away independence. I hate anxiety because it prevents interpersonal and social skills. I hate anxiety because the worrying makes you physically ill. I hate anxiety because it stops you from making eye contact with anyone you ever meet. I hate anxiety because it makes you flinch at personal contact. I hate anxiety because it has me.

I hate anxiety, I really do.

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journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

Panic Attacks

Today, I’ve had 3 panic attacks.

It’s just one of those days.

I haven’t had panic attacks for a long while, but today they just decided to rear their ugly head. I woke up fine, tired, but fine. Not ready to listen to a 2 hour lecture on language, but fine. Then all of sudden I couldn’t breathe, my vision went blurry, I couldn’t focus, I started stimming (knee bouncing, rocking and finger touching) and developed cyanosis on my fingernails (a big indicator for me that a panic attack is coming due to lack of oxygen). At first, I couldn’t handle the situation but I simply got up from the lecture and left. It took 25 minutes but I eventually calmed myself down by finding an empty classroom, pacing and watching a clock.

Since that 10am panic attack I have had a further 2. I’m hoping there will be no more.

Panic attacks can be such scary things – you can’t breathe, you feel like you’re dying, you’re so cold and shaky. But it’s okay – they subside eventually and you learn to breathe again. You take a nap and feel a lot better.

I’ve decided to insert a link below from the NHS that should help you learn to deal with your panic attacks if you do suffer with them.

How to deal with panic attacks

Have a lovely day and I’m here if need be.

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