journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

What Anorexia Taught Me

When I was 12 years old, I remember thinking to myself, “you’ll never get an eating disorder; you’re too overweight”, after hearing about eating disorders on the news. I remember telling myself that was one less mental illness to worry about because I certainly wouldn’t get that. I already had Anxiety and Depression; I’d never get an eating disorder too.

Funny enough, 3 years later…you can kind of guess what happened. I – the person who told myself I’d never get one – developed Anorexia Nervosa. I didn’t actually realise I had an eating disorder until a long while in. I thought I was on a diet – simply cutting out ‘bad’ foods in order to lose weight. I thought exercising was making me stronger, fitter, thinner. The exercise boosted my self-esteem. Saying ‘no’ to a piece of food made me proud. A few months in, I finally realised I may have had a problem. I’d cut out all types of food. Any food that led to possible weight gain. Pizza, chips, ice cream, bread, carbohydrates, takeaway, crisps, pasta, rice. The list mounted and soon the only food I felt truly comfortable eating was fruit, vegetables and water. I realised I was developing something abnormal, but I refused to admit it or tell anybody. I began purging. Throwing up the small amounts of food I’d consumed because those calories just weren’t worth it. Using pills to lose weight.

Oh I knew by now that this was Anorexia Nervosa. I knew what she was doing to my body; abnormal blood counts, fatigue, lack of oxygen in the skin, intolerance to cold, abnormal heart rhythms, dizziness and fainting, low blood pressure, dehydration, osteoporosis, irritability, depression and increased anxiety, hatred and fear of food, thoughts and attempts of suicide, social withdrawal, self harm, constipation, constant hunger, brittle nails and thin hair, low potassium and chloride… the list is endless, but I was lacking one important symptom; an extremely low body weight (which I eventually gained after a doctor told me I was ‘too fat’ after losing 31% of my body weight).

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You see, I never thought I would get a disease known as Anorexia Nervosa. I never expected to have a life-long condition that can be managed but won’t truly go away. But the thing is, as an 8 year old I wrote a poem about a girl named ‘Ana’ who told me I was fat and not to eat. It happens that 7 years after that poem, it came true. Maybe I was predisposed to Anorexia  from a early age and there was nothing anybody could do to stop it.

Anorexia Nervosa is completely destructive and the most lethal psychiatric disorder to date, but its taught me things I never thought it would.

Because of Anorexia; I learned to look deeper into the way people act, behave and think. I have learned to be compassionate, to not judge but to be accepting. I have learned who my real friends are (to those of you who stuck around; I love ya) and who is there for me in the darkest of times. I have learned about a range of illnesses I knew nothing about before. I have learned to advocate for change and grow a passion for changing the world and the people in it. I have learned to stand up for those who have mental illness and befriend those who struggle. I have learned so, so much…

but most of all,  I have learned about me.

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journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

Dear Younger Me…

Dear younger me, where do I start? If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far
then you could be one step ahead of all the painful memories that are still running through my head. I wonder how much different things would be now if you knew. I wouldn’t want to give you a speech about how to get the most out of this life. I’d want to talk to you about the choices you’ll make; the choices that made me – well me. Most of the time, this life is awesome, but I wish it were easier. Would a different choice have helped this situation? Dear younger me, if I knew then what I know now; everything would be different. The unknown would have no power over you. You’d be able to sleep without worry. The pain would eventually cease. If I knew then what I know now, it would’ve not been hard to figure out what I would’ve changed if I had known.

Dear younger me; remember it’s not your fault. You were never meant to carry this. Please stop living in the past – your past actions and other peoples past actions are not your fault. Stop thinking about them. Please stop looking into the future. What will be will be. You’ll be alive, you’ll be breathing, you’ll be stronger. You always have been. Live in the present. Appreciate the feel of wind on your face, or the blanket keeping you cosy and warm at night. Appreciate your senses – the smell of a hot chocolate. The sights of the outdoors. Be patient. Be loving. Be kind. Love others. Care for others.

When life throws pain at you, you’ll be angry. You’ll be scared. You’ll be lonely. But eventually you’ll see that every moment brings you closer to who you were meant to be. Please don’t look too close into appearances and weight. Please don’t use the internet as a source of information and trust…or let society change your views on yourself and the world. Please don’t exercise so much – relax and sleep all you need. Please eat – your body loves you for it. When depression and anxiety strikes, don’t curl up in a ball in a dark room. Reach out. Surround yourself with people; you’ll thank me for it later.

But most of all, younger me; believe in yourself. You are strong. You are powerful. You are beautiful. You are living. You are you and you’ll do a great job making me me…

[inspired by Mercy Me.]

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journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

Recovery Is…

  • Recovery is about enjoying all types of food and not giving them ‘good’ or ‘bad’ labels.
  • Recovery is about not sticking to your meal plan and being able to enjoy extra treats and snacks with friends.
  • Recovery is about not tracking every calorie, every gram of fat, and every step you take each day.
  • Recovery is about not planning meals in advance and being able to eat whatever you want.
  • Recovery is about being able to enjoy a meal out with friends without having a panic attack over the calories or food.
  • Recovery is about being able to enjoy your birthday, Christmas and that late night McDonalds or pizza with friends.
  • Recovery is about drinking alcohol without skipping meals to allow the excess calories.
  • Recovery is finding exercising and walking relaxing and not just a means to count calories and lose weight.
  • Recovery is sleeping in sometimes or not moving from your bed because you don’t have to be on the go all day.
  • Recovery is being able to have more energy to hang out with friends and family because you are not always cold or ill.
  • Recovery is allowing things to be imperfect.
  • Recovery is learning to eat in front of others without feeling that you are being judged.
  • Recovery is feeling comfortable outside of treatment so that you can lead a fulfilling life.
  • Recovery is accepting a relapse as a challenge to recover stronger.
  • Recovery is understanding that an eating disorder does not make you feel safe, nor does the dependency on others.
  • Recovery is feeling all sorts of emotions but learning to cope with them.

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Recovery in an eating disorder is many things…but overall it is the journey to finding yourself. Recovery is a long process – sometimes there are 2 steps forward and 10 steps back (okay, most of the time), but even through the downpour and the days where you simply can’t get out of bed, you’re one step closer than you were when you were submerged to your illness. Recovery teaches you that nothing is perfect. Emotions are not straight-forward. People are confusing. Plans change. Relapses happen.

Recovery is painful, tiring and emotional. Refeeding causes horrible side effects that leave you ready to give up. Getting every illness under the sun is normal…BUT

Recovery is a process and takes heaps of time. Just because its dark today, doesn’t mean the light won’t rise tomorrow.

You’re beautiful. You’re strong. You’ve survived every bad day to date and that is rather extraordinary!

[inspired by Alice]

journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

2 Years of Recovery!

On the 1st of September 2014, I sat in the doctor’s office after fainting in college and listened as he finally diagnosed me – Anorexia Nervosa. For weeks before this diagnosis I had been pulled from college because I was too exhausted and too ill to attend. I had spent most of college lunch times sitting in the classroom with a tutor or the head of care’s office because I couldn’t be trusted to eat by myself. They watched me for over half an hour to ensure I had consumed every bite of that banana, sandwich or pear. I had panic attacks that lasted for hours and spent most of the days in the college bathroom because the anxiety was too much to bear. I had to have every single meal prepared for me but still managed to consume so little and exercise behind every body’s backs. My first visits to the doctors proved unsuccessful – my BMI was not low enough to reach a diagnosis of Anorexia…despite losing 31% of my body weight (a diagnosis usually occurs after the person loses 15% of body weight). But finally on the 1st of September 2014, after being told to ‘lose a few more pounds’ my BMI slipped into the underweight category and I went in for the fight of my life…

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Although September 2014 was 2 years ago, it feels like yesterday. I remember every single emotion, every illness, every fear, every tear, every screaming fit, every panic attack. I remember the heart-wrenching pain, the weakness in my body, the exhaustion as panic attacks swept through me. I remember crying in fits of tears because I had to force food down me. I remember getting so angry because I thought even water had calories. Not having every food measured and calorie counted caused me to spiral out of control. Not being allowed to exercise drove me to crying and screaming on the floor. Every morning I woke up I was ready to lay down and die. A life without Anorexia, without control, without everything I’d worked for for over a year seemed absolutely terrifying to me. I was disappearing to everyone around me but I still felt as though I was fat…

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Anorexia Nervosa is currently the most lethal psychiatric disorder, carrying a sixfold increased risk of death. Suicide is also a particular risk as 1 in 5 Anorexia deaths are due to suicide. People diagnosed with Anorexia between the ages of 20 to 29 had a higher death rate (18-fold) with the age group 15-19 following close behind with a ten fold.

Anorexia Nervosa is an eating disorder characterised by a low weight, fear of gaining weight, a strong desire to be thin, and food restriction. The associated malnutrition from Anorexia can cause complications in every single organ system of the body. Hypokalaemia (a drop in potassium levels in the blood) is common in Anorexia and causes abnormal heart rhythms, constipation, fatigue, muscle damage and paralysis. The symptoms of Anorexia include: refusal to maintain a healthy weight, Amenorrhea (period stops, hair becomes brittle, skin turns yellow), fear of weight gain and avoidance of weight gain, a rapid and obvious weight loss of at least 15% of body weight, obsession with calories and fat contents of food, preoccupation with food, food restriction, food rituals such as cutting food into small pieces, using laxatives, water pills and diet pills to lose or maintain a weight loss, excessive exercise and micro-exercising (moving the fingers or legs persistently), distorted body perception, intolerance to cold and a lower body temperature, hypo tension, tachycardia, depression, isolating behaviour; becoming withdrawn and secretive, abdominal distention, bad breath caused by starvation-induced ketosis, chronic fatigue and rapid mood swings.

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There has been many relapses in my recovery and every day is a constant battle with food…My eating disorder journey has shaped me into the person I am today. It has made me more empathetic, more compassionate, more open and aware. It has made me an advocate for others suffering with mental illness. It has made me strong. I have met so many amazing people through my journey…and lost many on the way…

Anorexia Nervosa, as well as any other eating disorder, is absolutely horrendous and is life-threatening. Anorexia nearly killed me, but each day I wake up I am thankful I experienced it…

Not because it made me thin. Not because it made me feel in control.

But because it opened my eyes to the world and made me an advocate for change. Because it allowed me to grow as a person and lead me to a road of self-discovery.

Because it shaped me into the person I am today.

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journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

When I First Started Writing About Mental Illness…

I know for some, reading about my struggles with mental health problems may have seemed to come out of nowhere. I did a pretty decent job of hiding my conditions for many years. I wanted to seem like I had everything figured out. Only my closest friends and family knew the moments when I’ve fallen apart, searched desperately for stable ground, and at times, feared life.

I’ve done my best to obtain the help I needed to bounce back when I have bouts of depression or anxiety. Intense life changes can magnify one’s struggles, as it did for me. When my first article about my struggle with anxiety went live, I can’t accurately express how touched I was by people. Some even stepped forward, feeling comfortable enough to admit to me their own struggles, many of whom I never would have guessed fight the same battle. This made me realise how important it is to not hide your experiences and troubles. To do so, can make you feel as though you are facing them all alone.

There are others out there who feel the same and who’ve experienced the same things, yet are unable to talk about them. I must admit I was a little afraid when I wrote my first piece about anxiety, fearing people would call me “crazy,” question my stability and my ability to study and work. It’s natural to believe people will not understand, and so liberating to discover that low and behold, there are many who do. Instead of calling me sick, they called me brave and that meant the world to me.

To admit to your flaws is a scary experience and to share them with the world is no less than terrifying. You aren’t simply telling a story. You are exposing a delicate piece of yourself, lifting the curtain for all to see and inviting in both criticism as well as praise.

Even more so, we are exposing a part of our family to the world, and this is a big responsibility. I didn’t want people to look at my family and feel pity for coping with a mental illness because my illness isn’t who I am as a whole.

The support of my blog, my projects, my fundraising, my charity work and passion for mental health gave me the strength to continue writing about my longtime fight with mental health problems. They have only let me see more clearly that there is nothing to be ashamed of.  It is not only liberating to finally admit to the feelings I’ve had and the painful moments I’ve faced, but it is also a relief finding no matter how much it may feel like it, I am not alone. Knowing that sharing my stories may help others find a voice as well is the most rewarding. The more we all try to share, understand and relate to one another, the more we can face our difficulties as an army. There is no need to face every battle alone.

[credit: Marisa Svalstedt.]

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journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

10 Weeks Away – UPDATE

I feel like I haven’t wrote to you guys here in forever! Life has changed so much since I last posted in May.

In June, I flew across the other side of the world to work at a summer camp for children with special needs in the United States. I have been working with children since I was 15 and special needs children since I was 16 and have enjoyed every minute. These children make me feel complete – they give me purpose; they bring hope and positivity every single day.

Now, travelling across the world has its own challenges. Homesickness. Unfamiliarity. Loneliness…but the positives made everything so bearable. New friendships. Self-discovery. Passion. Feeling like you’re doing something good… Summer camp made me feel like I belonged. I discovered so much about myself and put all my love into those around me. I felt whole – like I was home. I have found my place.

Summer camp has been the best experience of my life. I have grown in so many ways, met so many different types of people as well as cultures…and discovered that even the people you expect to have it all together find it difficult too…

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In the terms of updating you guys on my journey – its been nearly 8 months since I came off medication for mental health. To me, that number is incredible! After being on medication for 18 months…not relying on any is a big deal (even though its a struggle).

My anxiety has its ups and down. I don’t think there’ll ever be a day where I will be completely anxiety free (well at least not in the near future) and I am completely okay with that. Anxiety has become a part of me. Anxiety has been with every single memory I have – I know no different. Although anxiety can be a negative thing in so many aspects…I pondered on it for a while recently and realised that my anxiety shapes my personality and brings some positives.

My anxiety makes me overthink – which allows me to be prepared for everything that could happen (but usually never does)

My anxiety sends me into panic and stops me feeling safe – which allows me to avoid danger (a lot of the time) due to being over-safe and checking everything (such as making sure doors are locked and being ultra-aware of my surroundings)

My anxiety makes me hypersensitive to everything around me – which allows me to be sensitive towards others and notice when things just aren’t quite right.

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I have missed each and every single one of you. You think I don’t notice you but I do – every like, every favourite, every comment, every blog share, every follow.

I love you guys so much and pray everyday that you choose recovery.

You deserve it.

I’ll post soon – I promise.

  • – Sav x
journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

Why I Became ‘Open’…

I haven’t blogged much this month and there’s a reason for that, but I am always so grateful to have the opportunity to encourage and inspire others who are struggling and to take up so many opportunities to change society. That is why I want to talk about the reason I first became ‘open’ about my mental health problems.

In 2015, I began working with the charity Fixers. Previous to this, I was completely closed up and private about my mental health problems. Around 2005 I started experiences more anxiety that affected my daily life. I became more withdrawn from friends, took comfort in being by myself and avoided anything that made me anxious. For years I kept my feelings and my thoughts hidden in fear that there was something wrong with me or that people would think I was ‘crazy’. It wasn’t until 2009 that my family found out there was something wrong when my self harm became apparent. However, that was only the icing on the cake and the majority of my thoughts and feelings continued to  be kept guarded. A few weeks of therapy and everything was done and dusted.

So why did I decide to open up about my mental health?

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I was forced. Now the word ‘forced’ doesn’t necessary need to be seen as bad. Yes, I was forced to open up about my problems because I had no other choice but opening up did bring some good things. As most people know, in 2013 I developed Anorexia Nervosa that was discovered in late August/early September of 2014 when I was unable to function or even exercise, and refused to eat or drink. As each year went on, my mental health problems got worse and more and more problems developed. It became increasingly difficult to keep everything hidden. Self harm intensified, my body image worsened, my Depression began to turn suicidal, and my Anxiety increased so much I was having panic attacks everyday that were hours in length. It was impossible to hide the fact that I wasn’t okay. In 2014, I began treatment for Anxiety and Depression and was referred to CAMHS after a diagnosis of Anorexia Nervosa. Like a lot of young people in Wales, I was failed by the NHS’s mental health service.

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In 2015, I found fixers and met with my YPC Jenny who was amazing from day 1. I had a mission to prevent other young people going through what I had gone through. I wanted society to change. I wanted educational settings like colleges (who failed to help me or spot the signs) to become more aware of mental health and mental illness and I wanted the government to listen. I wanted the stigma to end. I began a journey of self-discovery and eventually made my film ‘Anxiety & Me’ which has been shown in schools and educational settings as well as being featured in the South Wales Argus and on ITV Wales. From there, I began talking about mental health disorders in order to help others struggling and to spread awareness and understanding to those who were oblivious.

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Opening up about your mental illness is said to be the first step in acceptable and recovery. Talking about mental health problems not only makes you feel a lot less stressed and relaxed but also encourages others to talk about mental health which in turn reduces the stigma.

Life is not easy, and God forbid it never will be, but being open in relation to my mental health problems did bring a lot of good, despite the bad.

journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

Eating Disorders Amongst the Dancer Community

More than 725,000 people in the UK are affected by an eating disorder, 11% of these being male. The main eating disorders are Anorexia, Bulimia and Binge Eating Disorder (BED), eliminating EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified).Before the latest change in diagnostic criteria, it was estimated that of those with eating disorders, 10% were anorexic, 40% were bulimic and the rest fall into the EDNOS category which included BED.

In the dance world, these statistics are even higher. Society puts pressure on people to look a certain way in order to be accepted. In dance, the pressure to be thin is not only due to appearance but also due to performance. Dancers, especially those who take ballet, are often expected to be very thin. Young dancers look to dancers much older who have thin bodies. Dance places a large emphasis on physical appearance. Dance requires you to wear skin-tight clothes whilst dancing in front of a million mirrors for hours at a time. This environment can impact dancers views on their self and possibly lower their self esteem. Dancers constantly look at themselves and their bodies and compare themselves to others.

Many dancers also believe that achieving a lower weight will improve their dancing as well. Female dancers must be held in the air by their male counterparts in a series of long and strenuous lifts. Being lighter and easier to hold is desirable. Because extra weight changes the balance of the body, ballet dancers are careful to maintain a lower weight, thus allowing them to move easier and land softer.

Many people who suffer from eating disorders feel that the disorder gives them a sense of control. This act of self-discipline and structure is inherent in the nature of dance as well. Mastering a skill or achieving a low weight is a tangible goal for dancers. Some dancers have reported that being thinner than the other girls can give them an edge when it comes to getting a role in a dance. Having a sense of control over your body and your competition is powerful for dancers. These pressures are extremely relevant in the world of classical ballet, but that is not to say that developing an eating disorder is the right way to find success as a ballerina. In fact, it is just the opposite. Eating disorders destroy your body, leaving you malnourished and lacking in muscle tone and bone strength. Dance is a rigorous sport that requires an enormous amount of strength. A body plagued by a serious eating disorder is weak and not able to execute difficult leaps and skilful manoeuvres.

Studies have shown that girls begin to express concerns about their own weight or about becoming too fat as early as the age of six. Most dancers begin their high level training around age seven. These girls are dreaming of becoming professional dancers, and are doing so at an impressionable age. Feeling the need to be lean like their idols can significantly damage them both mentally and physically.

The dance world is tough and it can be easy to follow the rules of society.

It can be difficult to spot the onset or re-occurrence of an eating disorder when a person is of a normal weight. Warning signs include:

  • Constant or repetitive dieting such as always counting calories, skipping meals, avoiding foods, replacing meals with fluids.
  • Extreme exercise regimes and abnormal amounts of time spent at a gym to ‘burn calories’. Exercising when injured, in bad weather, exhibiting distress if not able to exercise, refusal to stop exercise for any reason.
  • Evidence of vomiting or laxative abuse – frequent trips to the bathroom during or after meals.
  • Changes in food preferences – suddenly refusing to eat certain foods, changing to vegetarian or vegan to avoid foods, claiming to dislike foods once enjoyed, interested in healthy eating.
  • Avoidance of eating food or social events that involve food.
  • Strong focus on body and body weight – interest in weight-loss websites and pro-ana sites, dieting books and pictures of ‘thin’ people.
  • Development of repetitive behaviours – pinching waist or wrists, constantly weighing, excessive time looking at the mirror.
  • Social withdrawal and isolation, avoidance of once enjoyed activities.
  • Eating very slowly and denying hunger  – even when the belly rumbles.
  • Sudden or rapid weight loss or frequent changes in weight
  • Complaining about being cold even in warm environments
  • Signs of vomiting – swollen cheeks, calluses on the knuckles or damaged teeth.
  • Fainting spells, panic attacks and dizziness
  • Always feeling tired and unable to perform many activities
  • Intense fear of weight gain
  • Negative self-esteem and body image as well as a distorted body image
  • Sensitive to comments or criticism about the body, weight or exercise and eating habits
  • Heightened anxiety, especially around food
  • Depression and other psychological disorders
  • Black and white thinking – everything is either good or bad, no in between.
  • Feeling out of control or hopeless
  • Moody or irritable

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Eating Disorder symptoms are as follows:

There are physical and psychological indicators of eating disorders. Depending on the disorder, some include: • Preoccupation with food, weight, and body • Unrelenting fear of gaining weight • Refusal to eat except for tiny portions • Dehydration • Compulsive exercise and inappropriate time spent at the gym • difficulty concentrating and focusing  • Distorted body image • Abnormal weight loss • Sensitivity to cold • Absent menstruation • Rapid consumption of a large amount of food • Eating alone or in secret • Abuse of laxatives, diuretics, diet pills, or emetics • Depression • Shame and guilt • Withdrawal • difficulty regulating mood (sad then happy) • associated mental disorders: depression, anxiety, OCD and substance abuse • slow pulse and blood pressure • dizzy spells and shortness of breath • chest pain • electrolyte imbalances • stress fractures, broken bones or injuries • low body temperature • low energy or extreme fatigue • constipation and stomach problems • laxative dependence

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journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

Thin is NOT the Definition of Anorexia (speech)

I know what you’re thinking – she doesn’t look like she has an eating disorder. But wait, please tell me, what does an eating disorder look like? 4 out of 10 people have either personally experienced an eating disorder or know someone who has. This means that if there is 400 people in this audience, around 160 people have either had an eating disorder themselves or knows someone who has. I was one of those children who grew up thinking I would never get an eating disorder. Sure, I had low self-esteem but I loved food and I was overweight. I had a vision that those with eating disorders were underweight and starving. Just go onto google and type in words along the lines of ‘anorexia’ ‘eating disorder’ or ‘person suffering with an eating disorder’. I can guarantee the search engine will give you a woman severely underweight. You can see why I never thought I would get an eating disorder.

Then in August 2013, when I was just 15 years old, I was in for the shock of my life.  I developed disordered eating unknown to me at the time. I thought I was just on a diet. I thought cutting calories was normal – that exercising for over 2 hours every day until I felt like I could faint was what healthy people did. This diet of mine consisted of restriction and starvation, excessive exercise and nearly a 5 stone weight loss that left me severely sick. People complimented me on my weight loss. I felt strong. The number on the scales determined my happiness for that day. If I wasn’t satisfied, I refused to eat. Food stopped being something I enjoyed. Foods like pizza, ice cream and take away instilled fear into me. I was so oblivious to what I was doing to myself. I couldn’t be ill because I wasn’t underweight. The fear of the food, the refusal to eat, the fainting, the chills running through my body and blue nails seemed normal. Normal because I was a normal weight. I lost 31% of my body weight within a 10 month period. To meet a diagnosis of Anorexia Nervosa a person must lose at least 15% of their body weight within a certain time period.

I was eventually diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa but by then the damage had been done. Doctors didn’t take me seriously because I was a normal weight for so long, but yet an eating disorder is defined as a ‘PSYCHOLOGICAL’ disorder that involves an abnormal ATTITUDE towards food and it is not based on weight. The weight loss of an eating disorder is merely a symptom and not the actual disorder itself. My view on food was set – I didn’t want it. Food was the scariest thing to me. I didn’t want to touch it – I definitely didn’t want to eat it. Eating in public or going out to restaurants was a no go. My health was already failing – I was exhausted and my mental health was declining rapidly. Food made me feel guilty, ashamed, fat. Every single part of the day revolved around food and I hated it. I couldn’t last a full day in college because I was so weak and exhausted to cope with it. I couldn’t concentrate or focus and thinking was difficult. My memory was awful. People kept telling me I was losing too much weight but to me I still felt and looked the same as I always did – severely overweight. I didn’t want to get dressed because I felt that I looked too fat in everything.

I’ve been in recovery for over a year and gaining back the weight was such an horrendous feeling. I had spent so much time chasing weightlessness that I didn’t know how to forge an identity for myself in a world where I was no longer thin. My metabolism was so ruined that even eating one thing would make me gain a few pounds. My body began holding onto every single thing I put into my mouth, whether it was healthy or not. The weight gain came fast and people always assume once you reach normal weight you’re fine. But I’m not fine, and I never was fine. A normal weight does not signify a normal mind. People look at me and assume that because I am a normal weight, I must be doing good. No one seemed to care anymore; now I looked as healthy as everyone else. You’re recovered. No, I’m not. I don’t look sick and physical exams would confirm that my body is healthy. But my mind isn’t. The truth is – Anorexia Nervosa is a disease that will truly never go away. Some days, even weeks, the thought of food is too much to bear and I don’t want to eat it. I’ll exercise excessively and feel so exhausted I can’t move, but I have good days – where food is amazing and it’s okay to miss a day of exercise. The point of this speech is that I want you to be mindful. I want you to be educated on eating disorders. An eating disorder is a psychological disorder that is defined by an abnormal attitude towards food. A person can develop Anorexia whether they are 18 stone or 8. One day I was overweight and the next I was struggling to stay alive after losing 31% of my body weight. Eating Disorders have no clear victim – they affect people of all ages, of all backgrounds, of all weights, of all cultures, of all social class.

THIN is NOT the definition of an eating disorder but MENTAL ILLNESS, FEAR and DEATH ARE.

journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

Ignite Cardiff #28

Last night I spoke at Ignite Cardiff, an event held in Cardiff Bay that allows speakers 5 minutes to share something on stage that is educational or inspiring.

I was lucky enough to be shortlisted for the event and went up on stage in front over 450 people to talk about Anorexia. With a diagnosis of Social Anxiety Disorder, going on the stage in front of all those people and talking about something so personal was terrifying. I was scared, felt vulnerable and anxiety was in every corner. I was watching the speakers one by one knowing my time was soon to come. My throat was incredibly sore, my chest was tight, I was thirsty, cold then hot and started to shake. When I went on stage I was shaking so bad I had to hold onto my que cards to make sure I didn’t drop them. I was sweating. Exhausted. But I got into it and despite the anxiety I did the full 5 minutes and got off the stage. People clapped and I finally felt relieved. And extremely proud. I relaxed and all the tension I’d been holding turned into a raging migraine and I was so tied I felt I could sleep for days.

If someone had told me a few months ago that I would be speaking in front of over 450 people about Anorexia I would’ve looked at them in utter disbelief. This is such a big step for me. I’m the type of person who can’t get on a bus in fear of having to buy a ticket, the person who counts money at a till 20 times even when I know I have enough, the person who wont leave my room in days in order to people…

Ignite has changed my life. I am so incredible thankful…

See my speech here:

https://m.youtube.com/channel/UCU0oM2ZMtVveUgpkCBxOstwUCU0oM2ZMtVveUgpkCBxOstw