autism · journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

A New Diagnosis

So today we may have reached a good point in terms of ‘recovery’. I had a meeting with my DA to discuss referral processes for a new diagnosis. I did a referral test which gave a result of 10 out of 10 and have now been processed onto a referral to wait for assessment.

I’m not going into this ‘diagnosis’ until I have 100% confirmation that it is the diagnosis we have been searching for.

Either way, new and positive things may be coming up in the future that will help explain my entire life, my behaviours, my problems, my anxiety, and so forth.

It’s been a rough 24 hours and I have took about 10 steps back in terms of being ‘stable’. My depression has thrived in my defeated mind this last week and my anxiety has not been in my control. Either way, 12 hours later after 10 panic attacks, I’m feeling ready to fight again.

I think people underestimate the struggle of trying to remain ‘okay’ when you battle with so many internal illnesses.

Every single hour of every single day is a big deal for somebody struggling.

This morning was a success – leaving the house, getting a bus and attending two appointments before getting the hour journey bus back.

Little steps are everything.

Please keep trying to make those little steps and push and push and push until you get the help you feel you need.

Love you all, hope you’re doing well! ❤

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journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

I can’t be fixed…

“I don’t care. Everywhere I go, I seem to break things. And the more I try to fix them, the more I make it worse.”

“Because you cant fix other people until you’ve fixed yourself.”

“But I can’t be fixed because i’m crazy.”

“You’re not crazy. Now I want you to tell me what you don’t like about yourself but be honest with me.”

“I’m fat. I’m ugly. And I ruin things.”

“I want you to imagine the ten year old version of yourself sitting right there on this couch. Now this is the little girl who first believed that she was fat and ugly and an embarrassment. I want you to imagine her sitting there right now. What do you want to say to that little girl? If she said to you thats how she felt about herself, what would you tell her?”

“That she’s fine. That she’s perfect.”

“That’s what you need to tell yourself. You need to tell yourself that everything is going to be okay.”

I came across this reading just now and it absolutely broke me to tears. I’m not feeling great and there are so many things swirling around my mind. These words are just perfect. I’m sorry for not trying.


Somehow the bruises changed my plan. And there’s a silent storm inside me, looking for a home. I hope that someone is going to find me and say that I belong. I’ll wait forever and a lifetime, to find  I’m not alone. There’s a silent storm inside me, and someday i’ll be calm.

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journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

#ThisIsMe Project

I’ve decided to set up a project that allows others to express their thoughts and feelings. I understand that it can be difficult to set up a blog and led the entire world read your deepest thoughts and feelings, which is why I created the #ThisIsMe Project. The project will share the stories of others on this blog. You can remain totally anonymous which means you can blog to your hearts content and share your views without feeling exposed!

This project is open to anybody who suffers from a condition and who wants to share their story. Conditions can range from mental health conditions and illness, autism spectrum disorders and sensory disorders.

Interested or want to know more?

Email savannahaliciax@gmail.com now!

I look forward to hearing from you!

Ps, please share this blog post to let others know about the project!

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World Mental Health Day

World Mental Health Day falls on the 10th of October every single year and aims to raise awareness of mental health issues around the world and mobilising efforts to support mental health. This year’s theme is psychological first aid and the support people can provide to those in distress.

Every day, and all around us, people often experience personal crises, from potentially losing a loved one, going through a stressful situation at work, or experiencing a serious physical or mental illness. There are also people who sadly experience abuse and/or violence, all of which increase stress and the likelihood of developing mental health problems. We need to be conscious of the need to provide the right support when people experience the stress of traumatic events.

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Mental Health First Aid:

Mental Health First Aid can appear a little differently to the normal first aid we are all aware of. A patient who displays mental health problems or distress may not look sick and they won’t need a wound cleaned or physical CPR.

You are more likely to encounter someone — friend, family member, coworker, neighbour, or member of the community — in an emotional or mental crisis than someone having a heart attack. Mental Health First Aid teaches a 5-step action plan to offer initial help to people with the signs and symptoms of a mental illness or in a crisis, and connect them with the appropriate professional, peer, social, or self help care.

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A brief overview of Mental Health Problems

Mental health problems can affect the way you think, feel and behave. They affect around one in four people in Britain, and range from common mental health problems, such as depression and anxiety, to more rare problems such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. A mental health problem can feel just as bad, or worse, as any other physical illness – only you cannot see it.

Some people think that there is an automatic link between mental health problems and being a danger to others. This is an idea that is largely reinforced by sensationalised stories in the media. However, the most common mental health problems have no significant link to violent behaviour. The proportion of people living with a mental health problem who commit a violent crime is extremely small. There are lots of reasons someone might commit a violent crime, and factors like drug and alcohol misuse are far more likely to be the cause of violent behaviour than mental health problems.


What do mental health crisis’s look like?

In a mental health crisis, your mind is at melting point. You can’t carry on anymore. There may be an immediate risk of self harm or suicide. You may experience extreme anxiety, have a panic attack or even a psychotic episode. It can happen to anyone.

When people’s lives come crashing down in a mental health crisis, they need help. Urgently. Only 14 per cent of people in crisis got all the help and support they needed.

That’s not acceptable: an emergency is an emergency.

Be aware of the surroundings around you and the emotions of those around you. Be aware of current situations, events and possible tragedies. Mental Health crisis’s can be prevented. If you cannot prevent a crisis, refer to appropriate Mental Health First Aid! Do NOT be afraid to call an ambulance or take someone to the hospital if they are experiencing a mental health crisis – hospitals are prepared to deal with all emergencies, including those of psychological nature!

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So how can you take part in Mental Health Day?

Every year on World Mental Health Day, the Mental Health Foundation try to get the nation talking about mental health, which is one of the best things you can do to look after your mental health. All you have to do is get together a group of friends, family or colleagues, put the kettle on and invite them to make a donation to the Mental Health Foundation – it’s as simple as that! Don’t feel stuck if October is no good for you though – you can hold Tea & Talks at any time of year.

Also, be active in talking about Mental Health Problems outside of the home and around friends. You never know who will relate to your words and reach out for their own help and support. Knowledge can help break down stigmas and improve mental health services and treatment.

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journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

Explaining my Stimming…

Stimming. Where do I start with stimming? Maybe I should give you guys an overview on stimming before I go into talking about it and my experience. It’s not really something everyone knows much about.

Stimming is basically short for self-stimulatory behaviours. This means, technically, that somebody is doing something to give themselves sensory input – but what does that mean? Think of it this way: when most people say something, it’s usually to communicate; when they do something, it’s usually to have an effect on the world or themselves; when they look at something, it’s usually because they’re getting information from it. You do something because you want to achieve a consequence. When someone is stimming, they’re speaking, moving or gazing purely to enjoy the sensation it creates, and the state of mind that sensation produces.

Common areas of stimming include:

Visual. Staring at lights; doing things to make the vision flicker such as repetitive blinking or shaking fingers in front of the eyes; staring at spinning objects.
Auditory. Listening to the same song or noise, for instance rewinding to hear the same few notes over and over. Making vocal sounds, tapping ears, snapping fingers etc.
Tactile. Rubbing the skin with hands or with another object, scratching, unusual hand movements and flapping, hands near or in mouth, hand clapping.
Taste/smell. Sniffing objects or people; licking or chewing on things, often things that aren’t edible. Pica can overlap with stimming.
Verbal. Echolalia, basically: repeating sounds, words or phrases without any obvious regard for their meaning.
Proprioception. Rocking side to side or back and forth, swinging, jumping, pacing, running, tiptoeing or spinning , walking in circles.

There’s no one reason why someone stims. It can be a way of shaking up ‘hypo sensitive’ senses – that is, senses that need stronger input to feel things. We all need a certain amount of sensory stimulation to feel comfortable, and if it doesn’t happen in the ordinary run of things, stimming can be a way to get it. It’s also, according to the people who do it, just a nice experience, something that you do because it feels good, calming you down and helping you relax. During stress and anxiety or emotional trauma, a person also reverts to stimming in order to shut things out or self-soothe. Tiredness can also trigger stimming behaviours. Stimming behaviours are likely to occur in those with autism, sensory processing disorders, mental health problems, and someone experiencing current trauma or distress.

[Information provided by ambitious about autism]

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In terms of stimming in relation to me; I didn’t really notice it until about a year and a half ago. I remember rocking in one of my college classes because I felt extremely uncomfortable and distressed in the environment. I’m not sure how long I’d been doing it before then, but it only became prevalent and part of everyday life about a year ago. I am usually oblivious and unaware of my stimming behaviour unless somebody points it out. Sometimes, I am able to notice the stimming and stop it or at least slow it down.

When I first started stimming, I would only tactile stim. I would often rub my hands together or wring my hands. I would sometimes scratch at my skin absentmindedly. I would also do what is known as ‘teepee hands’ which basically means interlocking the fingers into a stiff position. These stims were noticeable to me years before I even realised what stimming was. If someone noticed these behaviours, I was able to stop them. Hand scratching was the most prevalent – occurring when I had panic attacks.

Over time, I’ve developed more stims, targeting more sensory areas in order to fulfil my sensory processing needs. These stims were not noticeable to me until people began pointing them out. One of the biggest stims that people usually notice about me is rocking. I’m not sure when or why I started ‘rocking’ but when people told me I was doing it, I would stop. Eventually rocking became a ‘natural’ stim. I rock about 60-80% of the day where as I used to rock about 10% of the week. From what people have told me; I rock most of the time, more so when sitting. When standing I either bounce from one foot to the other, walk in circles or resort to other stims.

I have noticed recently that I involuntary clap my hands when severely anxious or tired. I clap twice and then stop. It’s almost like an involuntary muscle reaction that my body does when stressed. I also tap my fingers together rapidly, shake my hands, put my hands near my chin or in my mouth, or less frequently; flap.

I fiddle almost all the time, mostly with my tangle but other objects include pens, sleeves of a hoodie, and small stationary equipment.

I find it extremely difficult to open up about this behaviour on my blog because I struggle to tell people about it. I already have enough reasons why people would not consider me ‘normal’ and to stim at this age just looks ‘weird’ and frankly ‘crazy’. After deep thought I realised that I NEEDED to write this blog post because people don’t understand stimming or even realise the reasons why a person does it. Stimming is a self-soothing mechanism that a person does when clearly distressed, tired, emotional, going through trauma or struggling. It’s the body’s natural instinct; after all your mother rocked you as a baby so you could fall asleep.

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From a young age, I have been hypersensitive and ‘fussy’ with the senses. People with sensory processing disorder are oversensitive to things in their environment. Those with SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder) and sensory issues often struggle with people touching them, hate mess and having stuff on their hands, fidget often, are bothered by changes (especially those involved with senses), are over sensitive to certain noises, are fussy with food textures and are easily anxious. They also take part in stimming and repetitive behaviours.


If you’ve read until here; thank you. Thank you for trying to understand stimming.

To the person in class who saw me rocking last Monday and then went on to mimic my behaviour to your friends to laugh at me; please understand the reasons why a person stims in the first place. It’s not for fun. It’s not because you’re bored. It’s the body’s natural reaction to trauma, stress, severe anxieties, mental illnesses, processing disorders and various other conditions.

Be mindful.

journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · pets · photography · Uncategorized

Family

Family means so much in the darkest of times…

We walked around a beautiful park, took in the breeze and the sun and then sat at the union for a drink…so nice…and having Willow in my arms was home. She takes away all my anxieties, my depressions…everything. She’s a life saver. Literally.

Here’s some pictures!

journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

breakdowns…

Some days, I have such highs. Some moments, I feel like you could never bring me down. I laugh. The smile actually reaches my eyes. I feel free. But most of the time, I just feel like I’m drowning. I can reach the top, and continue to sore up, but once I’m dragged down, I’m weighted down and I can no longer fight. All the air is sucked out of me, I crawl myself into a ball on the bed and fight the silent depression and raging anxieties that continue to take over my mind. Mental illness seems to rear its ugly head at night time – when you’re on your own, ready to sleep, absolutely exhausted and unwilling to fight. It picks you at your weakest moments and tears you down even further. It chokes you up, brings tears to your eyes, leaves you a rocking, screaming mess on the floor until you eventually submerge to all the pain and fall into a restless sleep…

A lot of the time I filter my blog posts so that my real struggles are hidden from view…but the true and raw reality is

Mental illness fucking sucks. Anxiety plagues you with thoughts that are completely irrational but they consume you anyway. Depression leaves your mind whirling with lies and disturbing thoughts until you hate your entire being.

I am so damn tired. So utterly exhausted. I probably need to sleep…

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