“It’s 9:36pm and I’m sat here on my couch in the dark, just a small beam of light coming from the cabinet beside me. Tears are streaming down my face, dropping onto my keys and preventing me from seeing clearly. My mind is dark and clouded, weighed down by suicidal thoughts and depression. The hopelessness builds which swirls bouts of anxiety and fear around and around inside my upset tummy. My whole entire body is shaking, my hands blue with numbness.”
This is a scary scenario, but one I see more often than I would like to admit. This is a scenario that my mental illness forces me to face. This is a scenario that I still cannot deal with after 7 years of mental health problems.
Life can turn so easy sometimes. Life has been a world wind lately – there have been amazing opportunities and moments and I’ve grown in ways I never thought I could. I have accomplished things I never thought I would accomplish. Yet, amongst all the highs and the thoughts of being able to see a positive future, the mental illnesses always have a way to push themselves forward. I hate how these illnesses take over me. I’m tired – you know, I’m just exhausted. My eyes refuse to close; my dreams refuse to be gentle on me. In the mornings, I have to get out of bed. Throughout the day I’m a zombie. It becomes bad when I start to glaze off rather than being alert to everything around me. I go numb. My mind is so loud but yet so numb.
Not so long ago without a single ounce of care, mental illness took away from me things I never meant to share. It stole my childhood. It stole me. It stole my friends, my family, my relationships with others, my ability to interact and ask for help. It took away so many opportunities, so many moments of fun I missed out on. I have lost so much and some days I continue to watch what I’m missing…
I’ve survived 7 years of this, and I’m sure many more will come….I know I’ll fight through it, but the prospect of always being this…always struggling…is scary enough for anyone.
Mental illness took my life. I refuse to let it take yours. I always vowed that if I couldn’t help myself then I would help someone else. Every day I strive to do this. I advocate for those suffering with mental health problems, who are too scared to speak up. I advocate for change, for equality, for respect, for understanding. I offer comfort and support even if I don’t get it myself. I try, and I promise to try harder if I’m not trying enough.
One day, Mental Health stigma will be a thing of the past…that I promise.