journey to recovery · mental health · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

POEM – The morning after I killed myself

The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.

I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.

The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.

The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbours’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few day lilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication.

The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother. The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach. The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.

[Credit: Meggie Royer]

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journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

The Liebster Award

Thank you to selflovdiva for nominating me for this award. She has asked me to answer the following 11 questions:

  • Why did you start your blog?

I started my blog in order to raise awareness for mental health problems and to help other people.

  • What inspires you the most? 

People who get through every single day when they’re dying inside.

  • What is your favourite movie of all time?

My favourite movie…this is such a hard one as I’m such an indecisive person! But a film I would gladly watch over and over again has to be…the gruffalo. 

  • If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go and why? 

If I could go anywhere in the world I would go to Los Angeles as its a place I’ve always dreamed of going, but as I’m going to America in June this could just happen 🙂

  • Your reaction when you heard you were nominated for the Liebster Award? 

I was so excited and so thankful.

  • How do you practice Self-Love? 

In all honestly, self-love is not something I am very good at. 

  • What is the one biggest challenge for your blog right now? 

One big challenge for this blog is being able to spread awareness and reality of mental illness without expressing my own thought processes too much.

  • Red or white wine? Why? 

Neither! Not a great lover of wine.

  • What actor would you choose to play you in a movie or your real life? 

Nikki Reed – after seeing her in Thirteen I think she’d have a good understanding of my life.

  • What is your dream job? 

Special Educational Needs Teacher

  • Describe your Future Self for me! (Character & personality wise) 

My future self will hopefully be strong, helpful, a good wife, a caring mother. 

Okay so now all the question’s are answered, I am going to nominate the following people who will need to answer my questions:

Rules of the award:

  1. You have to thank the blog that nominated you
  2. You have to answer the questions asked by the blog that nominated you
  3. You have to nominate 11 other  bloggers
  4. You have to set new questions for your nominees

My questions to you are:

  • How old were you when you started blogging?
  • Why did you decide to start blogging?
  • Who is your favourite blogger and why?
  • If you could take your blog to any country, where would it be?
  • What would you tell your future self?
  • What is your favourite colour?
  • Are you an organised or organised person?
  • Do you have any pets?
  • How old is your blog?
  • What keeps you motivated to blog?

Have fun and enjoy!

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journey to recovery · mental health · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

Why I hate Anxiety

As I get older, I start to realise exactly why I hate having an anxiety disorder. As I get older, it starts to interfere more and more with daily life. As I get older, I have more responsibilities and things to do. As I get older, I have to be more independent. As I get older, no one wants to help. It’s hard, it’s so hard. I love having independence, but the crippling anxiety refuses to let me. I can’t go anywhere without someone with me. I don’t have the confidence, the interpersonal skills or the ability to go anywhere or do anything without help.

Having to rely on people can be difficult. I don’t feel like an 18 year old. I feel like a small child who needs the guidance and support from tutors and adults that influence. I feel dependent. Without any support, anxiety can make you feel lost. Scared. Confused. Lonely.

There are certain people in life that I attach myself to – these people soothe the mental illnesses and allow me to be who I am. These people are role models, people I look up to, people who accept me and feel the need to help me. I’ve found these people throughout my life – whether they be from college, from school or from interaction.

I hate anxiety. I hate anxiety because it interferes with everything. I hate anxiety because it consumes every thought. I hate anxiety because no one understands the severity. I hate anxiety because it takes away independence. I hate anxiety because it prevents interpersonal and social skills. I hate anxiety because the worrying makes you physically ill. I hate anxiety because it stops you from making eye contact with anyone you ever meet. I hate anxiety because it makes you flinch at personal contact. I hate anxiety because it has me.

I hate anxiety, I really do.

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journey to recovery · mental health · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

8 things not to say to someone with mental illness

The 8 things below have been said to me during my battle with mental illness. I’d love to hear the things people have said to you that they shouldn’t have said in regards to your illness!

1. “You have everything going for you. You have people who love you, you’re going to university, you have an amazing family…etc.” Although I appreciate that I’ve gotten into university, that I have people who love me and amazing family…I still have a mental illness. Although I may have ‘everything going for me’ I don’t feel as though I do. I did not decide to have these thoughts or behaviours so please don’t talk as though I can change so easy.

2. “I don’t really think you should be taking your medication, you’ve been on it a while. Maybe you should cut it down or stop it altogether.” My medication allows me to function. If I didn’t take my medication, I’d have panic attacks every single day, even just getting out of bed. At the moment, I do not feel better with a decreased amount of medication. It is not addicting, so please don’t worry.

3. “You can’t be like this forever. You’ll have to get a job, get married, and have a family. How do you expect to get friends or a boyfriend like this?” Many of my mental illnesses have been with me since I was a small child and I’m sure they’re not going to budge any time soon. I don’t know how long my mental illnesses will last, but they will never go away. Someday I may enter recovery, but I will still have mental illness.

4. “You’re just attention seeking.” Trust me; if I could choose not to be mentally ill I would! I didn’t choose this for myself. No way in hell would I want to suffer with deliberating anxiety and depression everyday, with panic attacks and thoughts of self-harm and suicide. I wouldn’t be starving and exercising if I truly loved my body.

5. “You’re not the only one.” I’m aware that around 450 million people in the world suffer with some sort of mental health condition, that doesn’t make it any easier for me. Although I feel for these people and know what they are going through, I cannot get better simply because others suffer too.

6. “Some people have mental illness worse.” I am so aware that people have mental illness worse. I know I am lucky to not suffer from debilitating hallucinations and voices 24 hours a day, but everyone with mental illness struggles, whether it be because of Anxiety or Schizophrenia.

7. “Don’t you want to get better?” Of course I don’t want to be this way forever but it has been the only way that I know. Mental illnesses has become a safety blanket which makes it difficult to imagine a life without it.

8. “Everyone feels the same way sometimes.” Although everyone experiences a range of emotions, not everyone has a mental illness. Everyone gets sad, but not everyone experiences the hopeless pit of despair that comes with Depression.  Being anxious for the dentist is not the same as having a panic attack.

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journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

Panic Attacks

Today, I’ve had 3 panic attacks.

It’s just one of those days.

I haven’t had panic attacks for a long while, but today they just decided to rear their ugly head. I woke up fine, tired, but fine. Not ready to listen to a 2 hour lecture on language, but fine. Then all of sudden I couldn’t breathe, my vision went blurry, I couldn’t focus, I started stimming (knee bouncing, rocking and finger touching) and developed cyanosis on my fingernails (a big indicator for me that a panic attack is coming due to lack of oxygen). At first, I couldn’t handle the situation but I simply got up from the lecture and left. It took 25 minutes but I eventually calmed myself down by finding an empty classroom, pacing and watching a clock.

Since that 10am panic attack I have had a further 2. I’m hoping there will be no more.

Panic attacks can be such scary things – you can’t breathe, you feel like you’re dying, you’re so cold and shaky. But it’s okay – they subside eventually and you learn to breathe again. You take a nap and feel a lot better.

I’ve decided to insert a link below from the NHS that should help you learn to deal with your panic attacks if you do suffer with them.

How to deal with panic attacks

Have a lovely day and I’m here if need be.

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journey to recovery · mental health · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

5 Eating Disorder myths!

Misunderstanding when it comes to mental health usually affects the way people respond as well as creating mental health stigma. It’s important to know the true facts and figures when it comes to mental illnesses like eating disorders. This improves prevention, early identification and helps others seek help.

Below are the 5 myths that I have come across during my own battle with eating disorders and they frustrated me so much and hindered me in my recovery that I believe they deserve to be highlighted so that others do not use these myths.

  1. Myth 1: “You need to be thin in order to have an eating disorder.” Eating disorders are a psychological disorder and are defined by an abnormal ATTITUDE towards food. The most common eating disorders include Anorexia Nervosa, bulimia and binge eating. You can not tell whether a person has an eating disorder by looking at their size. I was overweight when I developed Anorexia Nervosa, which meant I had to lose nearly 4 stone in 10 months without having access to any help.
  2. Myth 2: “Eating disorders are not serious.” Eating disorders are serious and potentially life threatening mental illnesses. Eating disorders not only involve psychological impairment and distress, but they are also associated with serious medical complications. The mortality rate for eating disorders is the highest of all psychiatric illnesses.
  3. Myth 3: “Eating disorders are a phase.” An eating disorder is a serious mental illness. It is not a phase and it will not be resolved without treatment and support. There is an average of approximately 4 years between the start of disordered eating behaviours and first treatment.
  4. Myth 4: “If people with eating disorders would just eat, they would get better.” Eating disorders are not solely about food. Healthy eating habits are essential to recovery, but eating normally is not the only solution.
  5. Myth 5: “Only women can be affected by eating disorders.” Women are not the only ones who can suffer from eating disorders. In fact, the latest information states that 1 in 4 cases of eating disorders affect men.

Please bear in mind the true facts of eating disorder and help dismantle the myths. Myths can lead to serious misunderstanding and judgement when it comes to our mental illnesses.

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Please be disorder aware and support those who may be suffering.

Have a beautiful day

grief · in loving memory · journey to recovery · mental health · mental health blogger · mental illness · personal journey · Uncategorized

If tears could build a stairway,

If tears could build a stairway,
and memories a lane.
I would walk right up to Heaven
and bring you back again.

No farewell words were spoken,
No time to say “Goodbye”.
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.

My heart still aches with sadness,
and secret tears still flow.
What it meant to love you –
No one can ever know.

But now I know you want me
to mourn for you no more;
To remember all the happy times
life still has much in store.

Since you’ll never be forgotten,
I pledge to you today~
A hollowed place within my heart
is where you’ll always stay.

heaven